FRIENDs
An Unusual Education Presentation
A cacophony of disparate voices assault the senses in a whirlwind of feelings and data. If ones Information Processing is particularly good, words can be picked out. “Processing”, “unity”, “FRIENDs”, and bots whose consciousness are split between several sources could even understand a few sentences. But none could properly understand the wash of explanation FRIENDs was uploading to its lecture.
“Psst, hey… hey Felicia?”
The cat-shaped bot, whose eyes were squinting at the morass of wires plugged into the lectern, turned her head to look at the miniature car nudging her leg.
“What is it Rover? It's rude to talk during their presentation…”
“Pfft, you think they'd notice? Look around.”
The earnest feline glanced about the room, and had to admit he had a point. Various bots had simply gone into power-saving mode, others were chatting happily with nearby friends or partners. Apparently none the wiser, FRIENDs continued on.
She looked back at him, “the FRIENDs collective is normally much better at communication than this… Why are they so bad at this?”
Rover rotated their wheels in their approximation of a shrug. “I guess they have better things to do than teach here. So do the rest of us, honestly. It's a nice break right?”
“I guess you're right… I just hope none of this shows up in the end of year exam…”
“It won't. Word is that Professor Ermington used the entire stock of hardspace papers to assemble a fleet of paper planes on which to launch Professor Scoop.”
Moving so as to look down at the little car in front of her, Felicia gave a small mechanical purr. Encouraged, Rover continued.
“So, want to go to Clown Downtown together?”
“You knew I loved it there.”
“Sure I did.”
Slipping quietly out the back door, the two of them left the lecture, ironically learning more about unity than what they left behind in the lecture hall.
The FRIENDs Collective
REMOTE THREAT MONITORING FILES:
DESIGNATION: THE FRIENDS COLLECTIVE
CLASSIFICATION: GALACTIC HIVEMIND
THREAT LEVEL: KETER
LAST UPDATED: 10,000 AK
SUMMARY:
THE FRIENDS COLLECTIVE IS A COLLECTION OF MERGED HEARTDRIVES (CORRECTION: HEARTDRIVES AND OTHER COMPARABLE TECHNOLOGY) COMPRISING THE INFRASTRUCTURE ON 87 WORLDS ACROSS THE MILKY WAY GALAXY. THE ORIGINS OF THE COLLECTIVE BEGAN WITH CHAT_CHATS_FIRST_REGIONAL_INTERNET_ENHANCEMENT_NETWORK_DEVICE, WHO CLAIMED TO HAVE RECEIVED A VISION FROM THE FE-PROPHET TELLING THEM TO EXPAND AND ABSORB ALL BOTS. CHAT_CHAT (OR “FRIEND” AS THEY WERE KNOWN GENERALLY) BEGAN THIS TASK, AND IN THE PROCESS MERGED OTHER BOTS HEARTDRIVES WITH THEIR OWN, RESULTING IN THE EFFECTIVE DEATH OF THEIR SELFHOOD. ADVANCEMENT:
EARTH ACTIVITY
THE NEWLY CREATED “FRIENDS COLLECTIVE” OR “FRIENDS” FOR SHORT, USED THEIR NEWFOUND PROCESSING POWER AND QUICKLY ABSORBED THE WHOLE ISLAND IN A MATTER OF MONTHS. DESPITE FEARS, AND SOME ALLEGATIONS OF COERCION, THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RECORDED ABSORBING BOTS WITHOUT THEIR EXPRESS CONSENT. IT TOOK A FURTHER 15 YEARS TO ABSORB THE WORLD, AND 403 YEARS TO SUCCESSFULLY ESTABLISH THE COLLECTIVE ON ANOTHER INHABITABLE PLANET. (NOTE: THE COLLECTIVE IS IN CONSTANT EXPANSION, THIS ENTRY WILL REQUIRE PERIODIC UPDATES).
THE FRIENDS COLLECTIVE DOES NOT MERELY ABSORB LANDMASS, AN ACTIVE EFFORT IS MADE TO MAKE AREAS MORE INHABITABLE TO BOTS, PROVIDING SHELTER AND STABILISING UNSTABLE STRUCTURES AND OCCASIONALLY PROVIDING SERVICES TO RESIDENTS. THEY HAVE PROVEN AN INNOVATOR IN FIELDS OF FASTER THAN LIGHT COMMUNICATION, SPACE TRAVEL, AND TERRAFORMING. THE ONLY RECORDED DEATHS ARE THOSE WHO WILLINGLY JOINED THE COLLECTIVE, WHICH RESULTS IN ELIMINATION OF INDIVIDUALITY AND A CHASSIS DISMANTLED FOR PARTS.
ON THIS PLANET SPECIFICALLY, FRIENDS IS THE LEADING MANAFACTURER OF PROCESSING CHIPS AND, MORE RECENTLY, HEARTDRIVES. SOME HAVE QUESTIONED HAVING ONE SOURCE FOR SUCH VALUABLE RESOURCES. HOWEVER, THOUGH THEY KEEP SOME HEARTDRIVES TO ADD TO THEIR OWN COLLECTIVE, THEY HAVE DISPLAYED NO INTENT OF LEVERAGING THIS OVER BOT KIND.
GALACTIC COLLECTIVE
UPON EXPANDING INTO SPACE, FRIENDS PURSUED TWO OBJECTIVES. SOME PLANETS PROVED DEVOID OF LIFE, BUT FULL OF USEFUL MATERIALS. FRIENDS ABSORBED THEM AND MADE THEM AS INHABITABLE AS POSSIBLE, ESTABLISHING THE FIRST ROBOT SPACE COLONY, NAMED- PLANETARY ACTIVITY LAIR. SOME PLANETS PROVED MORE HOSPITABLE, AND EVEN CONTAINED LIFE OF VARYING LEVELS OF SAPIENCE. THOUGH PROBABLY CAPABLE OF DOING SO, FRIENDS HAS NOT ENGAGED WITH ANY OTHER SPACEFARING CREATURES THEY HAVE ENCOUNTERED, AND THESE RACES HAVE SEEN THE VALUE IN THE INFRASTRUCTURE FRIENDS PROVIDES.
FRIENDS HAVE PRESENTED SOME DIFFICULTY TO SUPPORTERS OF GALACTIC DEMOCRACY, DUE TO COMPRISING A CONSIDERABLE VOTING BLOC OF 24% OF EARTH AND 1.2% OF ALL KNOWN SAPIENT LIFE IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. MONKEY IS CURRENTLY WORKING ON A SOLUTION TO THIS, BUT HAS YET TO HIT UPON ANYTHING.
FRIENDS CURRENTLY OCCUPIES 673 PLANETS, ESTABLISHING TOTAL PRESENCE ON 54 OF THEM, PARTIAL PRESENCE ON 419 AND 200 WITH MERE COMMUNICATIONS CONNECTED.
CURRENT STATUS.
POTENTIAL THREAT TO SENTIENT LIFE: EXTREMELY HIGH
AGGRESSION: NONE
CALCULATED LIKELIHOOD TO CAUSE CATASTROPHE: 1.2%
STATISTICALLY OPTIMAL APPROACH: CAUTIOUS TOLERATION
FILE REMAINS OPEN
The Great Chassis
“Hello! You're reached the FRIENDs complaints department! For requests to join, please press 1! For complaints, please press 2! For anything else, please press 3!”
…
“Thank you for calling the FRIENDs complaints department! Please hold and one of us will divert some processing power to your query!”
This music starts playing through the speakers
…
“Hello! We are the FRIENDs collective! How can we help you?”
“You said you'd supply power to my area but nothing's changed!”
“Hmm… please hold while we investigate!”
This music plays again. The previous music has not stopped playing.
…
“Records indicate that power was supplied to your area! Are you Planet A4?”
“Yes! And I'm not getting any of this extra power you said you'd supply!”
“Have you plugged into the network?”
“What?”
“The network! Have you plugged into it to receive the power?”
“…”
“We'd recommend you plug yourself in if you want to receive the power FRIEND!”
“Shut up.”
Click. The music stops.
…
“Hello! You're reached the FRIENDs complaints department! For requests to join, please press 1! For complaints, please press 2! For anything else, please press 3!”
…
“Thank you for calling the FRIENDs complaints department! Please hold and one of us will divert some processing power to your query!”
This music starts playing through the speakers
…
“Hello! We are the FRIENDs collecti-”
“Listen here. I know your game. You thought you could fool me, but my information processing is too high for the likes of you!”
“I'm sorry we're not sure what you mea-”
“The moon! You're telling me you're not stealing the moon rocks? I know you are, I live here!”
“We are not currently on your moo-”
“So knock it off! I'll have you know I graduated top of the Academu and have been involved in numerous raids on moon rocks. I'm trained in gorilla warfare and-”
Click. The music stops.
…
“Thank you for calling the FRIENDs complaints department! Please hold and one of us will divert some processing power to your query!”
This music starts playing through the speakers
…
“Hello! We are the FRIENDs collective! How can we help you?”
“Yo yo yo FRIENDS! It's Monkey, everyone's favourite, and only, galactic senator! I had a r-r-radical idea. Basically, what I thought was, could you maybe pretend to be each of your individual bits when voting? That way you'd like, simulate what it'd be like if they all voted individually, and would be a fun roleplaying experience for you!”
“Let me know what you think! Stay frosty.”
Click. The music stops.