Xetarg

That was the day Xetarg’s cinnister past came to haunt him. From the depths of the lava lake rose a great and E.V.I.L. bot, who called Xetarg by another name, and enumerated his sins to him. It was a day of reckoning, but not for Xetarg, as the creature from the deep had intended. No, for Xetarg was pure of heart, and weathered the unjust railings of an old friend. Row upon row of MACROCRABS stood in Xetarg’s defense, and sang of his good deeds with the lyrics of their people. He was an all star. He was a rock star, and it was rocks that would help him in his hour of need. Rocks fell. Everyone died.

But lo! Xetarg arose and grated through the rocks! They could not weigh him down, nor could his dark and shady past. The MACROCRABS, built to hide in rocky lairs, found crawlspaces in which to evade being squished, and the lava dissolved the rocks such that nobody died. What a twist of fate, truly, dear reader.

- extract from an unpublished novel adaptation of Xetarg’s life, written by Dr. Cinnister, which sought to celebrate Xetarg's character in order to boost his self-esteem

The strange faces had dominated discussion in the Human Re-enactment society for years. What exactly were they meant to represent? Some had theorised that they were surveillance devices, equipped with some strange human technology. Others believed they were some kind of art form, painting these faces onto rocks with their wide red smiles and colourful faces. Perhaps they were a symbol of those who were happy on the outside to cover their dull, rocky insides. Other leading academics posited that this was the true human face that occurred naturally, and that the human faces seen elsewhere were the ones painted on.

It came as a surprise to everyone as a result, when they hatched.

It was noted recluse Xetarg who first reported the incident to the wider bot world. The strange stones painted exteriors had fragmented and shattered, and uncurling from the shell a bipedal creature with a face identical to what used to be on its shell. Having no natural prey nearby, it immediately assaulted a macrocrab with a custard pie (scientists to this day are extremely concerned about how these are created). Soon, the area was overrun by this strange species, menacing passers by with their baked goods-based assaults and flowers that sprayed dangerously pressurized streams of water.

Luckily for those whose outer casings are not cream-proof, in collaboration with Xetarg's crab-retinue the threat has now been contained. The clown-creatures proved receptive to a trail of banana peels to slip on, and as a result were led out of their cave and into an area carved out by Xetarg's “minions” especially for them. They now enjoy tightropes to walk on, comically small tricycles to ride around on, and flaming hoops to leap through. The area, now known as “Clown Downtown”, is a popular tourist destination maintained and run by Xetarg himself, and costs only one Useable Upgrade Part to visit. The Human Re-Enactment Society takes a yearly pilgrimage to the area, despite new academic research suggesting the Clowns are a fungi and not mammals. It's widely theorised that they bought the tickets for the next 150 years in advance before this came to light, a fact the Society strongly denies. Still, Xetarg's Clown Downtown- “You'll never frown in the Clown Town!” has no sign of slowing down, with plans to expand into stand up comedy in the next few years.

Thanks to the Memory Stick Memoirs recorded by Xetarg, we here at the Human Re-enactment Society have learned a great deal about human behaviour. Following a partial apocalypse (details unknown, but theorised to be a solar flare which rendered most electronic devices across a portion of the Earth unusable, combined with scarcity of resources driven by some other unknown disaster), we see the remaining humans re-establishing social hierarchies. The memories are from the perspective of one “Jimothy”, later referred to as “Emperor Regulus”. Here follows a brief summary of the early events immediately after the catastrophe:

Day 0: Jimothy is frustrated by lack of Network access. Considers going outside, but declares that the sun is “too bright” (Note: sun appears average for time of year, were some humans nocturnal?)
Day 8: Jimothy is restless, and supplies are running low. Jimothy goes to the shops only to find that his favourite foodstuffs are running out (Note: “instant noodles” were one of the first foods to run out, thus must have been one of the most coveted, maybe even necessary?)
Day 15: Jimothy returns to the shops, this time donning battle armour and a cape. He demonstrates superiority by showing off his still-functional phone, a prized possession in these times. The other humans are impressed by his display of power.
Day 20: Jimothy has assembled a small gang, and is now referring to himself as “Regulus”. The other humans are also forming gangs, apparently organised around Net communities which they no longer have access to. They have all taken to racing around the wastelands outside the cities in motorised vehicles, hunting each other down in pursuit of supplies.
Day 30: While Regulus’s gang has grown, the high fuel consumption of the motorised vehicles has drained the reserves and the vehicles are now useless. The higher-status humans are now being carried on hand-drawn carriages.
Day 37: Regulus has defeated several other gangs and recruited their members to his own. He now takes the title “Emperor”. With his growing forces, he wages war on the other gangs in the name of “So-shall Medea”.
Day 50: Emperor Regulus has established himself as leader of the remaining humans. In celebration, he orders the construction of a Sacred Forum (Note: not a Net forum. Appears to be some sort of set of stone buildings).